Die and Die

Oh how I wish they would turn to dust
To become nothing but creepy crawlers
Like animals waiting for their slaughter
Crawl all the way to the path of hell
Crawl all the way on sharp edges knives
With palms wide opened
Moving every bit of their bodies in slow motion
And just slit them opened
Till the last bite of their fleshes
And become one
On crumbling earth
The world to become mass of blood
Clearing every clean spot
Marking every sign with its colour
With the sun burning their eyes
Till they see nothing more
And I will be standing
To be the one who watches
With glory and victory in my hands
With eyes wider than ever
With smile happier than ever
And I will be the one captures each second of their fear
I will be flying
With my wings fluttered gracefully
To watch every single of them die
Die and die in pain and suffer
Just die and leave me without noone

My Own Blood

It’s raining tonight
The sky cried for its unquiet sound
And the smoke smells for its bittersweet taste
And I am colder than ever
Taking the wind as it frosts my leftover flesh
So I’m heating up my bone
Then I’m feeling in my blood
As it drips down
I’m catching it with my own hand
Every drop of every last drip
Seeing the colour of red
As it’s getting darker and darker
And lighter and lighter
Till the moment I perish
I’m covered with my own blood
Tasting my own true blood

And Then

And then I cry
In this seat by the window
In front of a stranger
Next to a sleeping angel
And then I hear
Voices from the past
Voices of demons greeting my fear
And then I fall
Deep into the sound of agony
Sinking to the bottomless pit of craziness
And I’m derelict
From the outside world I know
Meeting my demons
Accepting their greetings
As I crush them into my bone
Become one with my blood
Then I sleep
And then I die

Place to Rest

Have you ever seen the sky this blue
Like one of those colours in cartoon movie
Have you ever smelled the grass this fresh
Like one of those imaginations from a perfect world
Have you ever been so sick of human
You just want to be left alone
Have you ever been so tired of mandatory battle
You just don’t care anymore
I want to be left alone
I don’t care anymore
But I do when you appear
You are the button to press when I’m shutting down
Even just a slender semblance of you
Even just a tiny little glance to make me smile
Even just for a second wake-up call
You are a place to rest

Welcome You

I’ve had good experiences
They’re all gone
I’ve had good fantasies
They’re just come and now they’re gone
I’m putting my body to rest
This sound comes catching my breath
Giving the heat to my body as I haul the blanket away
It’s still heat I’m feeling
My fantasies are completely gone now
Left me with my worst imagination
Trying to make contact with the cold weather
But the heat effaces my body
Let me rest now
As I welcome you again
My beloved never ending
nightmare

Dedication to My Nightmare

Once I was a sailor
I sailed away my boat
Down to rest and left the dock again
Once I was a painter
I painted the beauty of sunrise
Put some colours on and threw it all away
Once I was a hero
I served with naivety
Smiled through my way of freedom
And cried on my way home
But now I’m just a writer
With broken fingers I write broken words
Spelling letters to words
Words to sentences
I write till the end
I write till I stop
I write as a dedication to my nightmare

Dare I Say

A year from previous eight months
Not a single second can tell
Fifty years from now
No fate can speak up its mind for our existence
I’ve been dying from the moment I crave your scent
Right up till now
You are my forever and unforgotten
Sometimes, just sometimes
Everything I wish for is only a slight of you
But never once your story is about me
I’m dreaming awake
Dreaming to miss you
Dreaming to grasp a second moment of you beings
For this moment of truth
For this moment of flashback
For this moment of desperation
Dare I say
I’ve been missing you for so long

Favourite Doll

Let’s play a game
Tell me all the rules
And I let you win
I’m following your lead
So guide me right with your detriment
I will watch you doing your victory dance
While I’m lying here in exhaustion
With my eyes opened
With my brain straightened up
As I start remembering every length of your words
As I begin to drop a tear
Then I’ll be crawling to you on icy ground
Just to feel the coldness rising to my brain
Then I begin to numb
For my boneless spirit is all there is
And I’m down to be your favourite doll

Happy Birthday to me (15th July)

Another year I claim of total difference
A melancholy over forceful tears
There comes the exhaustion in me
But nothing more than excitement rushing
I like it for the day
Exception for a great companionship
Forget about tomorrow and stand tall from tediousness
Forget about numbers and stand up taller
I’ve had the worst
And waiting for the best
I’m having my best
For the rest of my memories
Finally I’m having my best
On this birthday
For a great companionship

Adding More

If you could count the sadness in you
How many do you have?
How many more could you endure?
How big is a big heart?
How tough is a tough person?
If dream can be shattered
How many pieces can it be?
How many times can it be replaced?

I scare me in the mirror
And a whole lot more other people in their reflection of eyes
Not me carries the thrill
Just demon in them turning my gravity to hell
They’re laughing, but who gives a damn?
She’s laughing, and I’m crushed
She’s one of them, the queen bee of all demons
She’s breaking my faith
Crying my heart out with dry eyes
Freezing again in this solitary form of agony
Be the one who scared in their laughter
Changing my faith
Fading my colour
Adding more sadness

Teman Untukmu

Hentakan kaki ini bukanlah tak berarah
Hentakan kaki ini menuju pada butanya mimpi masa depan
Dengarkan aku dengan telinga terutup
Dan mungkin kau akan membuka hatimu
Bukan kehilangan yang kita takuti
Tapi kejauhan
Rasa sementara yang seakan membunuh jiwa dalam hitungan detik
Walau selamanya membangunkan tubuh yang sempurna
Biarkan letih datang bagai kebosanan gerak
Biarkan penat yang dirasa bagai lemahnya otot
Aku akan berjalan bukan padamu
Aku akan menari pada indahnya nada
Pada indahnya sedihmu disaat keseorangan yang kau rasakan
Aku sebagai kontradiksimu
Dan biarkan gerak kaku hasil jariku ini menjadi
teman untukmu

Help Me As You Leave Me

Never expect greatness from me
Because you do not know what you might get
Never hope for anything I am not
Because I might be your worst nightmare
I get it
I’m all for the gravity that carries me
But I’m not the one to rule or stand on my own
I need my spare legs for I’m limping through the way
I am weak as I cripple through the walk of shame
Hate me for all you want
It might be the best thing to do
But love me if you can
For I need strength to push me forward
Forward to that straight line I see
Not backward to a place I scare the most
Help me as you leave me

That Was Just a Dream

I had finally found you
I was not certain but I saw you
We didn’t say much
We didn’t speak anything at all
I knew you loved me
You knew I loved you
I took you hand
Pulled you to a path I wasn’t aware of
But I took your hand
You accepted mine as I dragged you to a closer space of mine
There was wind
Wind of your scent as I began to notice
I could breathe the same air for as long as I lived
We became closer and closer as our skin adjoined
I could feel you in my both hands now
As I walked with pride for you were next to me
And it disappeared

It was only a dream

Just For Now

I don’t own my life
I might be in my body
But my body is never mine
All I have said is just phrases of junk ready to be demolished
I talk crap with the mind of rubbish
I’m shattered with every piece falling inside of me
I’m suffocated with every breath cutting out of my heart
But I like me for every inch I have
I adore my life for not being mine
And I’m profoundly keen on every disposal crap out from me
For every piece falling out inside me
I’m obsessed with the depression that glues me back together
For every breath cutting out of my heart
I desire the air of my vulnerable cubicle
It makes me odd for saying this
But if I’ve ever reckoned my current awareness again
I’m willing to let the words out of my mouth
That I cherish every little bit dejection I have in me
Just for right now
I love me for being agonized by me and everything surrounds me

Own My Soul

Another day endures my hesitation
Another limitless time of lingering
That’s okay I can pause my existence
You are my compulsive act of behaviour
My malicious form of excitement
I am blank for my prediction
I foretell nothing but hollow
If you are worthwhile
You’re determined as my most glorious possession
But if you are not
You’re still designated as my most gracious imagination
I have this gigantic invisible weight on my chest waiting to be let out
I’m imbecilic for my knowledge
I have too much pride in me to learn
Or maybe I’m just conceited to show it
But for whatever it takes
I still need you to know
My soul is still lasting to be owned by you

Fear No Death

Nothing more about passion
Nothing more about hopes and dreams
Leave them behind as you figure out ways to live
The further away they drag you
The more your heart desires them
The closer the get to you
The more your heart fears them
I have my passion
I have my addiction
It is neither desiring nor fearing
I await my death
I await white light comes calling me
My passion is not for me to reach
My hopes and dreams are for me to seek and destroy
So I leave them behind as I live
My addiction is no more my passion
My addiction is my death
For any reason in the whole world
I fear no death

Mending My Grief

My head never spin
My heart never yearns
I’m imperfect
I misjudge
My head is spinning
My heart is yearning
If I could have just one more day
You might be gone
If I could have just two more days
You are gone completely
I’m not a liar for my misfortune words
I’m a liar because you lie
Can I feel great now?
Can I feel better again?
I always know the utter answer
Right after I’m mending my grief

My Repugnance

I hate you for being so vulnerable
I hate you for your cowardice
I hate you for your defenceless power
But for the most part
I hate you for doing this to me
I hate you to my guts I’m disgusted by the thought of you
How could you do this?
Not to me but to yourself
The world can fall on you as hard as it gets
I can talk gibberish for as long as the words let me
But tell me what is it for?
Even the brightest sunshine ever there is
You call it darkness for your misery
I can yield myself up to say this
Even if it is so much for you to hate me back

How Fragile You Are

Oh look how fragile you are
Telling yourself over and over again you regret this life
Hating yourself all over again like flashback memories that never perish
Apart from your disastrous judgment
There’s a sensible perception waiting to crack open
There won’t be a funeral
For you will never die
Trust me when I say
People will acknowledge your beings
Even in the dark
Even in a slump
Remember that plan?
Remember that dream?
Remember your song of excitement?
Sing it to me once more
Sing it to me at the top of your lungs
Let me hear joy other than your catastrophic cry
And let go your pain as you roar out your soul

A Pleasant Welcome

Take me to your world
I want to protect you from your own menace
Be a shield for your uncovered body
And a shelter to restore back your true colours
I want to be the shadow of your whole figure
Following every inch of your movement
I want to be the reflection of your mirror
Watching every bit of your expression
Don’t you worry about me
You have all my approval to leave me in the dark
I’ll be as light as snow falling on your shoulder
I will do you no harm and nothing but to worship you
You can shout directly at me
And I’ll whisper softly on your ear
You can strike me with your knuckle
And I’ll brush your hair gently with my fingers
All that is what I have to offer you
Greet me with a pleasant welcome
And please take me to your world

Vinegar to My Wound

I’m heading for brightness
I’m clinging for positivity
I’m dressing for acceptance
What’s good enough?
Something that isn’t me at all
I’m staying in my moment
Waiting for whatever to come
Waiting for pride waiting for a downfall
When it comes
I’ll be you escort to find me as I’m sinking to the bottom of the sea
Leave me there for a moment
Let my tears dissolve along with the water
And let my eyes be burnt by the saltiness
Put a hold on me as I swim back to the shore
Minute by minute
Second by second
Count away for it might be my revival
But for whatever to come
It’s just going to be vinegar to my wound

Lines for...

Tell me what to think
Tell me what to do
I'm your oblivion
You're free to put me under your command
I'm your slave
I'll do as you've told
Tell me now or I'll be dead as your shadow...

You're a diamond in my eyes
You shine through among others I've seen
My time belongs to you
And your body is what makes me whole
Ask me to stay and I'll stay
Ask me to leave and I'll leave

I May Die In Peace

At the same time same place last week
I was mastering my feelings
I was on top of the hill ready to fall anytime forward
At the same time same place current moment
I am losing what’s mine to feel
I am rolling down the hill as the bottom starts calling me in
Remind me again if I’ve forgotten this
But never
Never to say I’ve lost the power of perceiving
Because I haven’t
I’m ready to put away those questions mark
Left me with no answers I want to know badly
If I don’t die now I may die in peace for your worrier
Just a moment further
Just as it is not now
I may die in peace

Whenever Wherever Whatever

I have come to love you
And let this be the time I leave
You have become the blood in my vein
And let this be a knife for your escape
Fear not for you as it is for me
I fear myself to let this heart beats the way it shouldn’t
I fear myself to have delivered demons in me
So let me stay in my solitude
Not pointing my mind on you
And I promise you my memory from your tormented soul
I promise you my heart as any time you wish to have it
I promise you me
Whenever wherever whatever

Accept My Glee

I’m trying to cheer you up
But I’m sorry for I do not know how
I’m not funny or hilarious
Amusing does not seem to be the words I can use to draw a smiley on your face
For I am sad and anxious just like you
But hear me say this
Look at the clouds in the sky, sometimes they make cute patterns
Cute enough to put a smile on your crying heart
Maybe I can sing for you
Maybe I can dance with you
Or maybe I can write this for you
But what do I know
I’m just as sad and anxious as you
I’m sorry for I’ve failed this
Maybe you could put your misery in me
Let me cure it and I’ll return it back to you
I’ll be the one who suffers
And please accept my glee as a gift for you
I may make it sounds so silly
But you are too my joy
I can’t let agony is the only place you can stay in
So please,
Accept my glee for you

Goodbye to You

It is finally figured out
Wouldn’t be a dilemma for me anymore
Real or surreal, it stays as a memoir to me anyway
I’m not sad
I’m not anxious
Just disappointment waiting for me to let it in
Maybe I could just keep my door’s locked and I’ll be fine
Maybe I could just stay numb like I’m always determined to be
I’m not fine
I’m not alright
But I’m stable with myself
I’m controlling my feet to move forward no matter how hard
No matter how those nails are ready to be pointed at me
At least I’m not falling
I’m just bleeding with holes
Bleeding and keep on walking
Leaving my blood behind as I’m recovered…again and again
It's not even started yet
It’s not your fault to blame
But it is a goodbye to you

How Do You Know?

It feels like ages
Having this numbness as my profitable friend
But not so numb anymore
How can you tell?
When a picture comes to mind, is that how?
When a heart beats faster till you can hear it even in crowded room, is that how?
My oblivion comes knocking on me
Offers me a contradictory
I would say I accept it
But how can I, if it’s not seen by my own eyes?
How can I, if it’s not heard by my own ears?
My belief…feeling is my massive treasure
My feeling…has been a numbness to my brain
I fall and stand up again with my own two feet
I have recovered and choosing the solid form of my thoughts
So when it happens,
How do you know again?

Stranger to Love

It is more than that
Choosing you among the faces I see
Reading your misery as part of my greatest adventure
It is more than leaving messages through your inbox
It is more than questions to ask
We may be surreal to each other
But what is real accompanied by pain and sadness
I’m not going to state you’re my friend
Coz what is friend to call without names in mind
I can feel your gloomy world
Trust me I can
But don’t say I’m them
Coz I’m not
Neither are you
See me through a big bright wall
I’m not transparent
But you can always feel I’m shining your eyes through my colour
I can’t be your summer in winter
I can’t be your reason to want to stay in this filthy world
But if it is ever too late
I just wanna say
We might be strangers to each other
But you’re my stranger to love
Please be alive until reality is ours

How Did I Get Here?

It was months ago I pulled myself away from the big black hole
Nothing more than a relief for my breath
It was weeks ago the shiniest sunshine brightened my dark sight
Everything was back in perfect straight line
It was minutes ago I heard steps of evil rushing back to me again
Anything can happen to me any minute
It was moments ago I freed my soul
And now I’m huddled back to the mass of dust
It was afternoon when I gasped clean air
Feeling lighter than ever
It is now night time when I try to haul away a sightless mass of rocks
How did I get here?

Lost Soul

You might call me typical
I’m a girl with a broken soul
Take me for granted all you want
I will be the nicest thing you’ve ever seen
Not the confidence that tells me
Just my shattered heart brings me to death
Bring me wherever I’ll be your whatever
Not my stupidity that ratifies me
Just my awareness carries me to hell
I want to be them
I want to be you
I want to be me
Once again, take me with you
Take my broken soul and shattered heart with you
I will show you how to live as one soul
I can drag myself along the way with you
And you can leave me restless by myself
There will be no grudge
There will be no vengeance
Just me trying to find my lost soul

Allow Me

Let’s not talk about me
There is the first for everything
There is the first of my fear
Nervousness for I cannot be in the place I should be
Breaking to the point of rules
Showing an absence for my appearance
I miss the whole charismatic person inside
Forget that moment
Just bring in the new one as a refreshment of my day
Not to say I reject calling the consciousness in me
For I have pulled myself out of bed in a perfect time
Let’s not put the blame on me
But allow me to ask your forgiveness
For I have stopped the words coming from your heart
Allow me to ask your forgiveness
For I want to put my ears back where I have missed
The moment I first step in
Placing my body in a proper position
The moment I do not start to hear but to listen
Not with my ears but my heart
Feel it the sun brightens as it is breaking the dusk in me
Stop that moment for I know I have seen the white in my black
From then until now some urge still comes rushing in
As I do not want to prove my shyness
As I do not want to prove my disability in giving you my voice
But once more
Allow me to ask for your mercy as it is all I can proof to you
As for your mighty heart
Allow me to say thank you for breaking the silence in me
Allow me to say thank you for melting my morning frown into laughs
Allow me to say thank you for keeping my ears down to my heart
Allow me…

My Imaginary Friend

Say hello to the wind passing through my eyes
Say hello to voiceless sound running through my ears
Say hello to the untouchable touching my skin
Becoming the best unknown space I’ve ever had
Crossing the line of reality and dreamless dream
For I cannot stand the loneliness I have had
It is me making the effort of creating something new
Someone to share all the complications
Someone to respond to all the anxiety
Call me sick for I want so
Label my name with eccentricity for I wish to
As I can breathe normally
As I can talk commonly
For no one knows who you are
For you
Say hello to my imaginary friend

How Is It Supposed to Make Me Feel?

You broke me
Piece by piece I try to glue myself back
With this distance, my darling
It doesn’t bother me too much
It’s just the thought of you sometimes kills me inside
There is no hope you gave me
It’s just the memory from you sometimes rips my mind off from my body
Bring it back to my memory
You never feel the same
I know that
Somewhat I keep building future in my mind
Not my future…yours and mine…ours
I can’t pretend anymore
But I can pretend to pretend
That promise,
It never exists anymore
It’s gone as I start to kill the thought of you
I read your feeling
New feeling as you erase me from you
Again and again
If it’s the lightning that strikes me
Then let me faded
So that maybe I can let the same for you
How is it supposed to make me feel?

I Can Pretend

I can pretend as if you were here with me
I can pretend as if I just met you
I can pretend as if we were in the same place
I can pretend everyday
And I do
Ask me about my dreams
Even the shortest sleep I had was all about you
But I woke up and you were gone
It was almost as real as I wanted it to be
We don’t know each other anymore
You’re long gone to forget me
Yet I am here remembering everything again
Everyday again
It was those mornings I looked at the sky and imagined I was heading to see you
But how could it be possible when we’re oceans apart
Look at my hands here
They are famished for yours
Remember that thing?
That thing which is supposed to be in my finger
It was our promise to see each other again
But how could you remember
I am long gone now
Longer and longer
But I still can pretend everyday

My Voice Is Silence

It is me being in the middle
Being stared at
Being questioned to
Thinking to myself, “I don’t do this”
Who would have known?
Who would have realized?
I’m doing this myself
Maybe I could go on like this by myself
I could be filled with enjoyment
I just don’t have to speak up
I’ll keep myself in the blank
Being invisible and not to be let known
That is what I do
I see a lot through the reflection of my eyes
I know how to feel I don’t have to touch
I know how to respond I don’t have to make a voice
Because
My voice is silence

This Is My Guilt

So this is it
Time to come
I have been expecting for
You were invisible or I wished you had been
That was it
This is now
You are back to my memory
Remembering all over again about us
Nothing has ever come between us
Till now that my mind has taken control all my body
My mind, my feelings
All empty worthless actions to do
I wanted to lose you
To hell with what I wanted cause now is time to come back
Thought that was gonna be it
But here I am
Crawling back to you
And here I am
Proving this is my guilt

Love Letter

My heart speaks for no one
And then you
My heart speaks for everything for you
My heart not your heart
It’s longing for you
Just you and no one
No rules no games
Just love is there to feel
Carving piece by piece of my heart with your name
Painting every corner of my eyes with your face
Feeling it all over again with the touch of your hand
It’s a bliss that can’t be broken
It’s a smile that can’t be torn
Spare me out the pain later when I’m done

It’s just a love letter for you
Just a way of showing I miss you
Just a way of showing I love you
Just a way of showing
I’m in pain waiting for indefinitely